During an episode of insomnia tonight (it’s 2:40 AM) and I cannot sleep, I found myself thinking about my uncle Lincoln who passed away on mother’s day weekend.
Growing up I was very close to him because he lived with us here in California, but when he moved away we gradually grew apart besides when we met up during summer or whenever we saw eachother. It’s been really difficult since he died, as it would be if someone close to ANYONE died, but his death has also made me question quite a few things in my own life. I’m taking a break from my usual semi-sarcastic, typical teenager attitude now and peering into the depths of life as we know it.
After he died and during the time around his funeral I was in a complete daze. I questioned everything about myself- from my religious stand point to how I act around my family and friends, even. Do I tell them I love them enough? Do they KNOW that I love them? I know I would give anything to go back to about a week before he died, and call Lincoln on the phone and just tell him I love him and miss him and ask him how his day was going. There are so many things I want and need to tell everyone, and losing one person in my life who I hadn’t talked to for about a year has changed my mindset a lot.
A band I am quite fond of called Angels and Airwaves has a song called “A little death makes life more meaningful,” and judging by the title you’d probably think it was some crazy screamo insane song with heavy metal guitars or as some would like to joke “EMO.” Believe it or not, the song is semi-happy and upbeat, and that being said leads me to how surpised I was at the way I felt after he died. The day I landed in Utah, there were huge rolling thunderclouds spread out across the sky and it was hot. I’d been crying a lot, but when the thunder came and the hot rain started pouring, I felt incredibly alive. Knowing that any of us could leave this life any moment drives me crazy.
I looked up into the trees and saw this and just wondered if maybe there was a heaven, contrary to the way I normally doubt most religion, to a fault.
I guess every so often something really hits you in life, to bring you back to earth again and to remind you what life is really about. I might just sound REALLY cliche here, but I saw Lincoln’s little girl, Marach, and all I could think about was how she was the only piece of him left in this world. When I leave, what am I going to leave behind? What are you going to leave behind?
I try to remember how I felt when he left us, because I know I get caught up in my teen angst and bad attitude and everything I tend to get caught up in.
“What will I leave behind?”
What will you leave when you’re gone?
July 24, 2007 by ameliahope
super worthwhile thoughts. Sometimes, insomnia has really good byproducts
Have you ever heard of a book called ‘Don’t Waste Your Life’ by John Piper? Might want to check it out in light of this post.
I’ve had a lot of death in my life…and a lot of life in my life. I have thought and continue to think some of the same thoughts that you have. Death makes you dig deep and for those of us who are truthful, death makes you get over yourself and seek the deepest things…the things we can’t explain..the things we secretly (or not so secretly, for some of us) say we believe. Death forces you to put up or shut up (so to speak)…’do I really live out what I say I believe?’ Honestly, I love death…in a very healthy and thankful way. I think we’re all created for a purpose (or many purposes)…and death forces us to pause and continually as ourselves, ‘how are we using our lives’?
Well, Amelia, I’m always thankful when I hear your thoughts, especially the ones that are really productive and express your willingness to learn. I’m sorry about your uncle Lincoln. No words can soothe that, I suppose. However, I am thankful that his death has caused you to progress and learn and be open to the deeper things that matter in life (and death).
Ok, gotta go…
wait…have you figured out what you’re leaving behind (if you were to die right now)?
I am with you, it’s more than a reality check. I lost 11 friends in 8 months. For them giving their life, I believe I am still here to live mine. I have often thought what will I leave behind? who will care when I am gone. I have thought so far into this, I often feel death. So you are not alone. take it all in, remember the good, throw away the bad. You have already left me with great memories of you and your desire to help and serve the less fortunate. I promise you Amelia you have left a mark on a lot more people than you can imagine
PS I will take you on in any amusement park ride marathon any day. .
Death is a subject that I catch myself thinking about more than regularly. But death itself is not what occupies me, infact I am quite comfortable with the idea of death, it is the moments right before, or the advancing toward death that I get caught up in. I ask myself the same questions you did about your uncle, the “Do they know I love them” questions and so many more. I guess that is where your question comes into play for me, “What will I leave behind?”…I guess there are a lot of things to think about when it comes to dying, a lot of times you hear people talking about doing that one thing they always wanted to, but haven’t yet…that isn’t really me, I don’t really care if I never go skydiving or climb Mt Everest, I just care that I have made a kind impression on those around me, because at the end of the day, if I’m dead, it won’t matter if I got to go skinny dipping in the Alps because nobody who is alive will remember that or even care if I wasn’t a good person to them, and I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I am human, and I do to some extent because I want to be someone others can respect. I don’t know if I am making any sense, I guess I’m just thinking out loud. Thanks for the thoughtful post.
I was just thinking about this topic. Specifically, I was thinking about the only thing my mom left behind was her children. I think if my mom is to be remembered it is through the goodness and kindness her children, and grandchildren (like you), pass on to others.
I know what I would leave behind. This beautiful daughter of mine and her two beautiful sisters. I am repeatedly amazed by all three of them. All around me are the many people who make up our family and I am indeed blessed.
I am not afraid of death but the pain that might come with it. I am also horribly afraid that if I were to die my kids might suffer. That fear eases as my gilrs grow and can take care of themselves. I know that Lincoln must have felt the same way. How sweet are the memories of Amelia as a toddler spending time with Uncle Lincoln.
Amelia you are a wonder and I love you.
Mom
i like the blog but little death is by +44 and i think little death in french is the term for a sexual orgasm or right before the orgasm because it feels dreamy and makes u feel sleepy which is a little death i may be wrong not to critize;] i like the way u put it tho
haha oh be quiet matt! angels and airwaves and +44 are basically the same thing and i have them on the same playlists. my bad ahha