These past months have been some of the most intense I have experienced so far.
It has been 17 months since I changed the way I live completely…the way I think about people or who I associate with. It has been 17 months since I chose one road over the other.
It has been 16 months since Jacob became a regular part of my life.
It has been around 15 months since Lincoln passed away. This was the first time I had lost someone I held very close to my heart.
It has been somewhere around half a year since my mother moved closer to me, only a few hours drive from my house to hers. This has made all of my feelings and questions surface. I have begun to face the things that still ache from her living so far away for so long.
It has been a little over a year since my sister and her husband moved to California and began their life together. They lived with us for a short time in the first months of her pregnancy. It has been years since I have been unable to forgive for the past.
It has been nearly 6 months since my nephew, Elijah Lincoln, was born. He is, for lack of a better word, perfect. Being in the room during his birth and being one of the first to touch him and one of the first few people he ever saw quickly made him a part of my heart. I am exhausted just thinking about the struggles he has yet to face, simply because he is human. This makes me think of how much has happened in my life in these first 16 years, and it makes me tired just thinking about the emotional and psychological struggles I have faced thusfar.
It has been nearly three months since Elijah had that seizure, and was rushed to the hospital by his inexperienced, overwhelmed father. It has been somewhere around two months since it was confirmed to be shaken baby that caused his seizure. It hasn’t been long since my mother’s week-long stay in the hospital with the baby, without eating or much sleeping either. It hasn’t been long since the doctors told us he won’t be normal. It hasn’t been long since we found out he has to have surgery to fix the water on his brain. I am afraid for that brain surgery, because he is so little and so fragile. Will he ever recover from the damage his brain bleeds have caused?
It hasn’t been long since my sister gave him up to my mother, or since Elijah’s dad went to jail for what he did not once, not twice, but three different times.
It has been 9 days since school started. It has been 9 days since my best friend has been going to a different school. I am anxious. How will all of these things continue to affect this year? Will I be able to overcome these things when it matters? How long will it take for this streak of intensity to subside? When will I forgive?
I totally understand.
Last year we had a conversation about hope…my card left the question lingering…you said you were still thinking about the answer.
We’ve had more conversations since then.
Just offering a gentle reminder of the original question… in what do we offer hope to ourselves/others?
Forgiveness…experiencing immense amounts of life by mid-teens… I totally understand…. the burdens are heavy.
I keep praying for you and keep taking deep breaths for you… until you find them yourself.
Sam’s right. Eventually you’re going to have to find a time when you’ll be able to forgive all of these things that have hurt you. Only then will you be able to get past them and move on to a happier place in your mind and heart.
We imagine childhood to be a time of innocence, where little kids can be carefree, yet loved and protected from the evils that lurk in the world.
For most children, that isnt the case.
As you consider all the hurts and tribulations of your past, also take time to consider the strengths and lessons.
I imagine there are wonderful qualities and character traits in you, that are rooted in your past, that have been watered by adversity, and that have blossomed in times of trouble.
While we all wish things were never hard, especially for children, I believe that God is able to take harmful situations and use them for blessings in our lives. I pray He does just that for you!
Forgiveness is a big word right now.
The most difficult part of being 15 is that emotions are new and most vivid. The most difficult part of being in this family is that significant trauma and stresses to a person are a part of our existence. Taking your post apart I see loneliness inside of your heart. You know that my being with Dennis before took me far away from you. Now it brings me closer yet I am taking Elijah from being close to you. Being a mom is hard under “normal” circumstances.
I knew at your dad’s house you had the best life has to offer. We both knew you belonged there. You have a beautiful life. Your education has been excellent as are your opportunities for the future. Being with me where I was would have stifled your potential.
With all of that, I still know it hurt both of us to be apart. I understand and hear you when you tell me how this made you feel and what you didn’t get from me during those years.
Life can spin in fast forward for adults. We are all taking some time to stop, re-evaluate, listen, breathe, love, and heal some of the wounds of the past and also the wounds of this summer.
You are part of something really special, Amelia. There is more than meets the eye for your future. You are a miracle and a joy and you offer my world Hope.
I love you.
Mom
I love you Amelia!
Big hug from Jenalyn!