“The prop 8 vote has rocked our family cruise ship a little bit. It has come the same week as Rennen’s baptism and because the two issues are so tender in our family I am deeply entrenched in my own thoughts this week. As Amelia wades through the aftermath I try to put myself in her shoes emotionally. We have come full circle on some of this and are revisiting issues from 13 years ago. Jason and I have made the correct choices regarding these girls but there is still hurt that we cannot protect Amelia from. I try my best to show my soul to her so that she can perhaps circumvent the things I trudged through unsuccessfully. Things just don’t make sense sometimes and we have no choice but accept them. We have to each accept them in our own way.” -My mother
I cannot blame them for bringing me into this life in these circumstances. I cannot blame a father who was only being honest with himself, in both wanting children but needing to be honest with himself, nor a mother who needed time to figure things out for herself.
It is so strange to grow in between two conflicting philosophies, sandwiched between my rock-the-boat kind of nuclear family and the solid mormonism of my extended family. Most of all, it is so strange to grow being pulled by two opposite poles, two opposite desires, both with good in them, unable to choose either.
It is so strange to go back to the majority of my family and feel the extraordinary connectedness of Utah and sacrament and family time afterwards, with wards and neighbors of similar beliefs, yet know that I just don’t belong. I can’t belong.
Just as I begin to sink into the overwhelming comfort and warmth-just for a moment- of not just community through this thing they call faith, but the desire to just completely give up reasoning and arguing with myself about it, I am slapped across the face with my own conscience, upbringing, and beliefs. You don’t belong. No matter how bogus it all seems to me, not just the LDS church, but christianity as a whole, the scriptures, the Sunday ritual and the strict following of the rules that ensue, there is some strange comfort in it. The comfort feels like the hazy, fuzzy, almost-dillusional warmth that comes just before sleep after a really long day…. then I’m woken up with the sound of a blow horn. I can find peace nowhere. It always ends up as a false comfort.
It’s a constant battle in my head. It’s been raging for so long, and the only one in it is me. There is no one else- for all else seem to be immovable objects, resolute right down the line.
I am so bitter, disconnected, and always lost in this kind of thought. Everything feels harsh. Everyone feels harsh, guilty. These issues tear me apart.
I need peace, somewhere. Seems like suggestions just lead to dead ends.
I was raised Catholic so my background is different but there are some similarities. I still attend church on a pretty regular basis and I know what you mean about the comfort that can be found there- even when you feel at odds with the religion’s belief system. This won’t answer all your questions but…
At the end of the day, I think it comes down to this: I don’t believe in a God that is vengeful. And I don’t think God wants us to be vengeful. God just wants to know that we are trying to be decent people who do not go around with a mean spirit in our hearts. That probably sounds overly simplistic, right? And I know it doesn’t resolve all of your internal struggles. I don’t think I am in a position to judge everyone else when I’ve got enough of my own “sin” to deal with. So if I know that I am trying to send out love and I know that I am not living from a place of hate, then I am doing okay.
I have read your blog and your Dad’s blog often–and it seems like your family is an amazing one!
Amelia,
So much of this sounds exactly like what I have been doing most of my adult life. You have to figure this out for yourself and come up with a way to find peace in your daily existence. For me it was to turn off the sound of the stuff I didn’t want to hear. You will always have the chance to turn the volume back up to revisit issues you don’t understand but you don’t need to listen to all of it all the time. Because we are all people and we are all different, we can’t possibly reconcile everything within our minds and hearts. Some things we just accept and then we put down our armor and our daggers.
Mom
I haven’t written my thoughts because I felt you would instantly dismiss my thoughts coming from an LDS member. Amelia, I love you. I will always love you. I love my brother. There is no judgment here. I ache and I cry seeing the two of you facing such ugliness. I read how bitter you are about religion and God and this makes me sad. Perhaps you don’t always need to find God in religion. I believe in a God who loves you. Of course he does, you rock! I want you to know a God who will calm your troubled heart.
I love you Amelia.
The peace can come from unconditional love. Sides do not have to be taken to love or to feel love.
You are loved.
Aunt Lori
I have been a reader of both your dad’s and mom’s blogs and have come to love and respect them both. From the time I started reading their blogs, I have been praying for them and your family and you. I am not morman, nor do I know much about this religion. So, I can’t really say a whole lot in regards to that. But, I do know God and Jesus in a personal way. I love him with all heart, mind and soul, yet I do not attend a church. And I know that he loves me. I know the pain that I went through in my journey to get to where I am at now.
I am sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through. I can only imagine what it has been like for you. And all I can say is that I am sorry. I hope that you can find some answers but most of all I pray that you will find peace in the midst of this storm.
I have read your blog here and read what your parents have shared about you and have come to see what an incredible young woman you are. You have a beautiful heart and you are wise beyond your years. I know that the experiences of your life will not be wasted. There is a purpose for all these things, even if you don’t see it’s purpose at this moment. You will do great things in your life Amelia.
I comment here because I feel this need to remind you that God’s love and grace for you and your family is bigger than any mountain. Please know that you are in my prayers…I pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that in this quest for answers that you will hold tightly to what you already know to be truth. Hold on to those that love and believe in you. Bless you Amelia. Lori