looking after me

My mother recently posted something about her Grandpa Woodard, whom I have very few memories of. One of these memories was during his last years, when he was suffering from his cancer. My Great Grandma Woodard sat next to him in his easy chair and fed him, because his hands were too shaky and he could no longer feed himself.  His words were very hard to understand, and he would struggle to answer a question or make a comment on what he saw…but I remember something very clearly. He turned to me from his easy chair and looked me in the eye. He was shaking a lot and I couldn’t understand what he was saying to me. I swear I distinctly remember my Great Grandma telling me what his mumbled and trembling words were trying to say. He told me he loves me. I have another memory of him holding me up on his shoulders when I was really little, when my mom, dad, sister, and great grandma and grandpa went out for a day together. He was tall and strong, and bold. 

This made me wonder: how many people do we all have watching us now? I am not a particularly religious person, but I believe that those who love us and have passed on know us still. Our ancestors, both recent and far back, could be rooting for us now.

I think of my Grandma Nina, who made me pink play-doh and took me to her flower shop, The Starving Artist. I can still smell the carnations. Is she familiar with me and my life now?

How about my uncle Mike, who died years before I was born… and my dad’s grandparents, Great Grandma and Grandpa Shelton? Are they sitting up there, Great Grandma wearing her moo-moo, facial stubble and all? I wonder if she remembers the time we picked raspberries in her front yard when I was tiny…I do.  I remember their ashy pot-bellied stove in the middle of their living room.

The other day I was walking my dogs around the block. It was hot and I could feel the warmth of the sidewalk through my shoes as I walked. I thought about how, one year after Lincoln died, I wrote a letter on a yellow balloon and released it into the sky. I watched it get carried away by the wind, miles away, and then it disappeared. The next day, I was in the car on my way home, and five or six houses down from my house and across the street, there was the same yellow balloon, writing and all, laying on the neighbor’s driveway. I was too shocked to pick it up. I went up to my room and couldn’t sleep that whole night. It seemed so strange to me that the balloon was carried away high and West, to the point where it was only a tiny speck in the sky…and then gone…yet it came back to my street, to my sight. Every so often I breathe a heavy sigh and wonder if Lincoln is watching, and if on his seat in Heaven he flips through the channels of his loved ones’ lives and sees through our eyes. 

 

Hmph.

To my Momma

This is a survey my mom sent me via e-mail and I decided to answer it here :]

Where did we meet? We met when the doctor handed me to you, when you and dad were the first to set eyes on me. 

Take a stab at my middle name? Marie

Do I smoke? You casually smoke cigars with your buddies, namely when you’re having your own french riviera in my backyard… skinny dipping, martinis, poker… oh, and making the neighbors feel really uncomfortable. By the way, the neighbor you gave jello shooters to is a teacher at my school. HAHA!

Color of my eyes?bluish grayish…. kinda changes when you’re sad.

Do I have any siblings? Yes. 

What’s one of my favorite things to do? Rally, co-driving (back in the day) and things motor-sports related, travel

What’s my favorite type of music? Well more recently you have taken a liking to country…the only legitimate radio station where you live is also a country station… much to my dismay. Soft stuff you can sing to in the car.

Am I shy or outgoing? You are pretty outgoing, but have your quiet moments.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? You follow some of the rules, and rebel against others. You tend to make your own rules.

 

Any special talents? Long distance traveling, driving large vehicles, giving good back rubs, comfort food making, speedy diaper changes/baby handling

How many children do I have? It depends on who you’re talking to… Hilary, me, Rennen, and as of this summer, Elijah, occasionally other assorted girls in want of a good vacation and moral support 

If you and I were stranded on a deserted island, what is one thing that
I would bring? Your protein shakes you live off of, good book

 

 

Mom- thank you for everything!

My Life Thusfar

As I plan for the next ICU event, and as I become increasingly involved in this cause, I cannot help but feel almost excruciatingly happy.

I was reading back on my other posts about ICU events, conferences, and my Washington D.C. trip, and I realized something significant.

It seems like most young people, usually around my age, are somewhat lost. When they grow up to be adults, they look back on their actions in their teenage years and think to themselves, “Man, I was dumb” or how petty everything was. Because of ICU (and more recently Circle of Friends) I will look back on my high school experience and be confident in my usage of time. I have given much time to what I am passionate about and what I know will make a difference, rather than wasting that time doing frivolous things.  Although my grades are not at a 4.5 I am not worried about college acceptance or finding a good career. I know the time I have spent so far doing things I am passionate about and the character qualities those things have given me will prove adequate for where I am going in my life. 

I am not trying to be arrogant, and I am not contemptuous. I am only very satisfied with my choices as a human being. Yes, I can be a jerk like anyone else, and have been chip on the shoulder girl, but I can feel myself being pulled out of the Wednesday Adams state of mind and into a new one. I can honestly say, I have found real happiness in what I have chosen to do with my time and my life. I only hope my life can stay this purposeful for all of my years!

 

I am also thrilled to be constantly meeting people who feel the same passion for life as I do!

And I’m off…

School started mid-August and I’ve been a crazy woman since then!

I am taking these classes:

Honors Microbiology/molecular genetics, Spanish 3, Algebra 2/trig, AP language and composition, and AP U.S. History.
I start at 7 AM and get out at 12:20!
Of course, there are the days that I stay during lunch until 1 for ICU or to eat lunch with my friend Kirsten, in the Circle of Friends program (for special needs kids at my school).

I also just got a Macbook… which means more blog posts from me because this computer actually allows me to go on WordPress!! Woo! And much thanks to my parental units for investing in this computer for me! I am very lucky and grateful.

The majority of my time outside of school has been spent preparing for my very first ICU fundraiser as president… The Man Pageant 2008! It will be on September 18th at my school theater. I am soooooo excited!

That weekend, my mom is also re-marrying Dennis. There will be a big family get together for them and Elijah.

I have missed Elijah soo much since my he’s been in Las Vegas! I think he is high up there on my list of favorite people, and most definitely at near the top of my ‘Most Important People in my life’ list.

I don’t have anything else to say as of now, except that I have a good 2 more hours of homework to do tonight, so I’m off!

 

:]

growing

These past months have been some of the most intense I have experienced so far.

It has been 17 months since I changed the way I live completely…the way I think about people or who I associate with. It has been 17 months since I chose one road over the other.

It has been 16 months since Jacob became a regular part of my life.

It has been around 15 months since Lincoln passed away. This was the first time I had lost someone I held very close to my heart.

It has been somewhere around half a year since my mother moved closer to me, only a few hours drive from my house to hers. This has made all of my feelings and questions surface. I have begun to face the things that still ache from her living so far away for so long.

It has been a little over a year since my sister and her husband moved to California and began their life together. They lived with us for a short time in the first months of her pregnancy. It has been years since I have been unable to forgive for the past.

 

It has been nearly 6 months since my nephew, Elijah Lincoln, was born. He is, for lack of a better word, perfect. Being in the room during his birth and being one of the first to touch him and one of the first few people he ever saw quickly made him a part of my heart. I am exhausted just thinking about the struggles he has yet to face, simply because he is human. This makes me think of how much has happened in my life in these first 16 years, and it makes me tired just thinking about the emotional and psychological struggles I have faced thusfar.

It has been nearly three months since Elijah had that seizure, and was rushed to the hospital by his inexperienced, overwhelmed father. It has been somewhere around two months since it was confirmed to be shaken baby that caused his seizure. It hasn’t been long since my mother’s week-long stay in the hospital with the baby, without eating or much sleeping either. It hasn’t been long since the doctors told us he won’t be normal. It hasn’t been long since we found out he has to have surgery to fix the water on his brain. I am afraid for that brain surgery, because he is so little and so fragile. Will he ever recover from the damage his brain bleeds have caused?

It hasn’t been long since my sister gave him up to my mother, or since Elijah’s dad went to jail for what he did not once, not twice, but three different times.

It has been 9 days since school started. It has been 9 days since my best friend has been going to a different school. I am anxious. How will all of these things continue to affect this year? Will I be able to overcome these things when it matters? How long will it take for this streak of intensity to subside? When will I forgive?

A Summer Assignment Pleasantly Surprising…

This summer I was assigned to read the books The Scarlet Letter (Hawthorne) and Language in Thought and Action (S.I. Hayakawa).

The Scarlet Letter was slow at parts, mostly because it was written over a hundred years ago, but I absolutely fell in love with the daughter of the main protagonist, Pearl. Hawthorne was some really vivid imagery and colorful descriptions. If you weren’t already forced to read it in highschool, go for it.

The second book, Language in Thought and Action, was, at first, a lot like an instruction manual for language. However, as the book went on, it started being less about just words and more about the commonalities between language and human nature and philosophy, with references to WW2 and world history. It took a very non-bias approach to commenting on patterns in human nature and society in general. Here are a few quotes I thought were interesting.

First, the book discussed a concept called two-valued orientation. Two-valued orientation is, in other words, tunnel vision, or black-and-white thinking. In discussing how our Democratic/Republican party system leaves no room for multi-valued orientation (or ability to see things in terms of more than two values) during debates, the first quote came up:

“Controversy equalizes fools and wise men in the same way-and the fools know it.” – Oliver Wednell Holmes

I thought it was really true how, no matter whose policy is right for our nation, politics make everyone either a “good guy” or a “bad guy.”

“Although we like to think of ourselves as rational beings, there are few among us who do not exhibit the two-valued orientation when we are stirred up by controversy.”

“We have the peculiar fact that, once people become accustomed to institutions, they eventually get to feeling that their particular institutions represent the only right and proper way of doing things.”

This is cool because it applies to everyone and everyone can learn from it.

“One of the lessons of war is that institutions, while powerful and long-lasting, are often not insuperably rigid if the emergency is great enough….”

I thought the last quote was cool because it makes you think about how everyone, no matter what religion, age, or race, has a belief they stubbornly stick to regardless of its relevance to today’s society, and that belief can only be altered in times of chaos (war or great need.)

“…the problem, then, the world over, is to learn that the emergency is serious enough (in international affairs, in race relations, in preserving the natural environment, etc.) to require modifying or abandoning some of our insitutions.”

“If we as citizens of a democracy are going to carry our share in the important decisions about the things that concern us so greatly, such as the problems of peace and a just world economic order, we must prepare ourselves to do so by coming down out of the clouds of high-level abstraction [or generalized thinking] and learning to consider the problems of the world, whether local, state, national, or international levels, as extensionally [physically acting] as we now consider the [everyday] problems of getting food, clothing, and shelter.”

In thinking in two-valued orientation, (making generalizations and judgements, and seeing people as purely “good guys” or purely “bad guys,”) we “miss entirely the basic requirement of understanding social problems, namely, the initial task of describing the established patterns of group behavior (that is, the instituions) that constitute a society and contribute to its social problems.”

I hope I haven’t bored you all to tears! I thought all the philosophy in this book was really enlightening. I recommend you read it if you’re into this kind of thing. I think everyone can learn from the ideas in the book.

Again, the kind of things this book talked about reinforced my want to go to school for someting relating to international relations, foreign policy, or maybe even philosophy. Who knows!

Adios!

Catering

 

I work for a very spunky, funny, kind, Texan mother and animal lover… who is a personal chef and caterer.

I started off working for her because I babysit her 10-year-old on occasion, and it came up one day that I love to cook. She asked if I’d like to come work for her, and the deal was done!

I love the job because I able to converse, cook, and sometimes even go to parties and people watch. I can ignore the chapped-hands feeling after doing hundreds and hundreds of dishes because everything else makes up for it. I also work the perfect amount of hours so I don’t get sick of it!

So far in my adventures I have:

met a blind dog with a tumor the size of a softball. she ran into things a lot but was still nice.  

 burned bread in the oven (while toasting it with olive oil)…. twice in one day 

 met a one-legged duck

cooked in a 15,000 square foot house decorated in italian tuscan villa style, owned by an NBC producer

met a 22-year-old cat

 massacred 8 oz. zucchini, 12 oz. chocolate and espresso grinds (to make mousse), an eggplant, and cream cheese (My boss is so forgiving!!!) all in the misunderstanding of recipes.

learned which kinds of knives are and are not appropriate for various foods; “That’s a filet knife” is something I have heard a lot. I go back to the knife block and search for another. the knives at home suffer by comparison.

talked to a funny italian grandma who squeezed my cheeks (i’m used to that, but it’s not often it happens in public here)

seen a leather piano

conversed with a woman closely resembling twisted sister

and I have learned how to chop an onion correctly. in less than 1 minute.

…the list will grow

ICU! ICU! ICU!

Yesterday I held the first ICU meeting of the summer to plan fundraising for this coming school year.

What’s ICU? It stands for Invisible children of uganda. Go to invisiblechildren.com if you’re confused. See the ICU blog at icuclub.wordpress.com!

Our next event will be extremely amusing. In fact, we have already begun planning for our very own Man Pageant. We’re thinking of guys at our high school that are well known and outgoing personalities, who would be willing to be funny in a pageant-type tongue-in-cheek fundraiser, with funny teachers as judges.

I will, of course, keep everyone updated on the planning stages and most definitely post pictures of our event once it happens (most likely September 18th).

My dad was even so kind as to make dinner and serve dessert for all the club members who came to my house to plan this thing! Thanks, dad! I’m sure you will enjoy the man pageant.

Other than that, Ive just been reading The Scarlet Letter, hopefully finishing in time to read my other summer assignment book. Procrastination, much?

Oh dear.

What are you?

Have you ever looked at anyone and noticed a striking similarity between them and a certain species of animal?

I believe there are many rodent people.

There has been a longstanding joke that my best friend, Ana, is a pengiun.

She walks like a penguin, eats like a penguin, and even talks like one.

Just the other day, I recieved a comment on myspace…(yes, I still use myspace)
and this is what I got:

The resemblance is striking. I am a lemur.

Now is the time to ask yourselves: What kind of animal are you? What animal people do you live with?

Growing up with gay dads

It never occured to me that having a gay father was unusual.  I never questioned it, and I always took it for what it was. I love my dad, so I have always loved who he is-gay or not. 

I have a couple memories of wishing my parents were still together, like any kid whose parents are divorced, but I never mourned what my dad was. Being gay is not something to mourn. I’m glad he finally accepted himself and that he had the courage to ask those who knew him to do the same.  I’m also glad that he found Giancarlo. I remember the first time Giancarlo came to our house and met Hilary and me. We were watching Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom, and I was chewing one of those 6-foot-long rolls of bubble gum. He walked in the door and stood in the dining room and we were introduced. Within those next few months, Giancarlo taught me how to ride a big bike, and spent lots of time with us.  He let us right into his life.

Although my dad and I had already fully accepted everything, not all of the people around us had. In elementary, my dad taught at the school I went to. For a long time, I never said anything to anyone. Nobody else had gay dads, and in class people would always use the word “gay” as a put-down.  I started to open up to friends and kids started finding out. People started making fun of me for it. In sixth grade, when I switched schools, nobody knew anything. I told one friend, and then she told another. It was like a rumor, people didn’t think it could possibly be true. Eventually, people got over it and it was a nonissue.

In junior high, I was a lot more open. I met more friends though, and instead of the people my own age having problems with it, it was their parents. A couple of them weren’t allowed to spend the night at my house because of my parents. It really felt like a personal attack on me…it felt like their parents ignored my own personal qualities and were blinded by how my house was different. Did they think that if their kids spent the night at my house they’d catch the gay bug or something? Did they think that my dads were child molesters or brainwashers? They were just being blinded by rumors, stereotypes, and ignorance.  I remained friends with those girls though, and their parents got to know me. They saw that I was a good influence, intelligent, and normal. I wasn’t psychotic or gender confused or whatever they thought I’d be. One day, one of my friends who hadn’t previously been allowed to spend the night asked her mom again, after months of “No’s” and talks with her mom about how she wasn’t comfortable with gay men being in the same house as her sleeping daughter, and her mom said “Yes.” I was so happy- I had spent a lot of nights crying and frustrated.

I started to realize that the more people got to know me and my dads as a normal family, the more people realized that their previous judgements about gays were wrong.

In high school, almost every person I know is accepting and openminded about homosexuality. There are very few people who hate gays. Gay students at my school can be open and not get beat up because of it. They can be flamboyant and stylish all they want, because they know that 98% of our school’s population dislikes homophobia and will stick up for them if anybody discriminates against them. They can be who they are. Even girls who are gay can be open with themselves and others. 

The issue of homosexuality is no longer in the closet among my generation, at least in California. That is why gay marriage is now allowed in this state. Kids like me with gay parents don’t have to feel the way I did (sad, frustrated, discriminated against, confused about why my parents who are as good and as normal as anybody else’s parents couldn’t be married, etc.)  It’s not so much the rights and technical things that come with marriage, because gay couples can get almost all the same financial rights. It’s about being able to say “We’re married.” It’s about your own country (or state in this case) accepting who you are and accepting that your relationship is just as legit as any heterosexual couples’.